Years ago, cartoonist Rube Goldberg, that master creator of wacky inventions, contrived a complicated contraption which was designed to give its owner a good swift kick in the pants every time he wanted to punish himself. It was described by one city editor as "the masochist's friend." And Dame Rumor has it that Piper Laurie was first in line to purchase the stream-lined portable model when it hit the market.
Ladder to Oblivion
For this is the story of her last seven years in Hollywood- in both her career and love life. Nobody in Tranquilizerland, to paraphrase Sir Winston Churchill, "has done so little with so much." No one, in the whole of Hollywood has managed so artfully to appear engrossed in a mad dash up the ladder of success- while, in reality, all the time walking backwards to nowhere.
Eight months after her screen test with Universal-International and with two pictures already under her belt, she received star billing opposite Tony Curtis in "The Prince Who Was a Thief." The film and a later one- "Mississippi Gambler"- grossed $2 million and $3.5 million respectively for her studio.
Neither film was a monumental epic. In fact, in the jargon of the industry, they were a couple of "dogs". But they pulled in the crowds primarily because Piper went on a cross-country junket and personally sold the films to the fans.
Starting with a meager 600 fan letters a month seven years ago, her mail has risen to 100,00 pices a year from devoted followers.
Under the aegis of Universal's producer Leonard Goldstein (more on this tragic personality later) she couldn't miss. The golden formula of costume "cheapies" was a natural medium fo rher, and a guaranteed moneymaker for her studio. Theoretically, she couldn't act worth a tinkers' dam, but who cared? All that was required of her was to mouth a few trite lines, and to languish seductively in the brief bits of clothing the wardrobe department threw on her back.
Million Dollar Baby

Financially, Piper had it made. The last couple of years saw her teraring down $65,000 per annum. Had her contract run its course until 1958, the figure would have been upped to over $100,000.
So, what did she do? She took it all- success and money- and dumped it into the ashcan. Her first step, early this year, was to break away from her contract with Universal-International. Bang! $65,000 a year out the proberbial window.
Then she sub-leased her apartment and took off for the big city, New York, where she settled down to taking lessons at Lee Strassberg's "Actor's Studio." Art with a capital "A" and better roles were her goals. She was through with Hollywood, at least for the present, and the town, which doesn't react too kindly towards those who bite the feeding hand, was through with Piper. Around Hollywood and Vine she's a has-been at 25.
Amazing? Well, maybe you think so. But those of us who had a chance to watch this curvey kid in action over the years weren't a bit surprised, because this sort of behaviour has been a way of life with Piper ever since she walked onto her first movie lot.
Piper Versus Piper

Admittedly, this is the first time she's pulled the rug out from under herself in the cold, hard world of business. In her private life, however, the pattern of self-destruction has been solid and unassailable.. Men came in and out of her life like so many GI's on a mess line. Some of Movieland's most famous names were tied romantically to hers, and they broke, not because of any sudden lackof interest on the male's part, but because Piper quixotically knocked the pins out from under every real romance she ever had.
Greats, and near-greats- Tony Curtis, Jerome Courtland, Rock Hudson, Richard Long, Ronald Reagon- showed real interest, but Piper barely tumbled. They offered simple, uncomplicated romance, some of them even suggested marriage- and didn't get to first base. But the men who hit the home runs were those who threw the most roadblocks in her path. When the going was easy, she wasn't interested. When they promised to completely botch up her life, she chomped eagerly at the bit.
May and December

When Universal-International producer Leonard Goldstein took her under his wing, Piper had just turned 18. Leonard was middle-aged. Piper used to say that "she loved him like a member of the family", but the hard money bets at U-I were on a May-December marriage. And maybe it would have worked out. Maybe the challenge of the insurmountable would have been the spur for Piper that would have caused her to make a go of an impractical marriage. We'll never know for sure. Leonard, unfortunately, died before any definite date was set.
Next on the list was Dick Contino, a youthful, handsome accordionist who was the darling of West Coast nightclub circuits. For a while Piper showed little concern for this bright young man. But then, Dick failed to report for his Army induction, was tried and sentenced to prison. And that's when Piper's eyes lit up whenever his name was mentioned. She was the only one to stick by him in his hour of need. He was in trouble; by association, so was Piper; the perfect ingredients of a Piper Laurie romance.
Why did it break up. Simple- Dick squared himself with the Army, served honorably in Korea, regained his fame, and hence was shown the door by this little girl who looks only for trouble.
National Scandal
G. David Schine, in his own way, gave her the hardest row to hoe, but he was her boy as long as the nation's press was pot-shotting him for his involvement in the "Army-McCarthy Hearings". At the height of the national scandal he protested his devotion to Piper, but told her that it would be best that they didn't go out together. "Because," as he put it, "it might not be good for me to be seen with an actress."
Dave's assignment, once he had settled his private war with the Army, was military duty in Alaska. He was out in the cold in more ways than one. Besides those north winds, Piper was playing the chill for him- but good. The attraction was gone once Dave had straightened himself out.
Most recently, the object of Piper's affection was Gene Nelson. We say WAS, because that's the way it is. Gene was Number One longest of any male to come into Piper's life. The romance, as recently as December was described by movie mags as, "Altar-Ations Going On." And what was the strange web that Nelson wove? Well, with all the eligible unmarried men on the loose, Piper had to pick one who was already spliced.
So- the inevitable- Gene prepared for a divorce. Suddenly his dates with Piper became more infrequent. By the time the breakage with his Missus was imminent, Piper had packed her bags and was off to New York. Gene had joined the long line of harried suitors who, while they threatened to complicate her life, were extremely appealing, but who, shen the misfortunates of life had been overcome, found themselves alone and pining.
It is an old tradition among Hollywood writers "not to reason why", but only to report. Piper, therefore has often been described by our contemporaries as "a hard luck kid", continuously jinxed at love's game. The truth, however, is that Piper has made her own luck romantically and professionally, and it's all been bad, because that's the way she seems to want it. Her career now limited to an occasional TV appearance, a score of conquests gone by the board- and all because of some foolish inner quirk which won't let her be happy unless she's making a mess of her life.

The article is accompanied by many small black and white photes: Dave Schine and Piper were big item as long as he was in trouble. Today, she couldn't care less; When it looked like Gene Nelson meant busines and sought divorce, pretty Piper wanted "out".; Piper visits Rock Hudson after surfboard accident. He was one of her first Hollywood dates; Piper presents Oscar to Dore Schary. P.S.- She never got one of her own.; Dick Long married someone else when Piper found him too uncomplicated.; If mentor Leonard Goldstein had lived, pals say Piper would have wed him despite his age.; Accordionist Dick Contino was just one of the guys until his arrest. Then Piper's interest was seriously aroused.; No romance here. It's just Piper and Chas. Coburn hamming scene.;