I'm a romantic at heart. Certainly I want to get married and someday have children. And I expect to be completely, overwhelmingly in love, when I do. What girl doesn't? But I seem to have an alter ego, or at least another side of me, which is level-headed, which usually rules my decisions and keeps me from doing foolish, impetuous things. That side of me says I'm not ready for marriage. I'll try to tell you why.
People much more knowing than I, authorities on marriage problems, have pointed out that marriage is for adults only, persons who are adult emotionally, not merely according to calendar years. I'm not sure that I am an emotional adult and until I'm positive I'm not going to take a chance. When I do marry I want to be on a forever-and-ever basis. I have some very definite ideas on what makes a successful, lasting marriage. Until they are met, I'm not going to say my "I do's" just because my friends are.
I don't think I've met the right man yet - or if I have met him I don't know him well enough to recognize him as my future husband. I want to know a man well- I think a year's courtship would be about right - before I decide he's right for me, and I'm right for him! I've just turned 20. You may say I should be an emotional adult by now. Most of the time I think I am, then I realize with a start I'm finding it difficult to do the right thing; something perhaps quite trivial which I know I should bo but don't want to. Then I know I'm not as grown up as I've imagined. Some girls are adults as 26 but most, I'm afraid, need more years, more experience. I think the majority of girls who reach emotional maturity early have had rugged, hard early lives, have had to grow up through unfortunate circumstances.
Lots of people think that girls in motion pictures reach emotional maturity very early because of their work. Well, they might give that impression, but I don't think it's real. I think they get "sharp," acquire a certain veneer of sophistication; they may be aware of difficult situations but I'm not at all sure they know how to coope with them any better than their contemporaries in Kokomo.
I know I've been very lucky in that my childhood was very happy. My sister Sherrye and I - she is two years older than I - had lots of fun. We had a good, middle-class upbringing with no great hardships. Our parents have been happily married. Everything was nice and normal, so we didn't have to grow up at a tender age to coope with misfortune.
I think I grew up more in the last year than at any other time in my life largely because of the travelling I've done, around this country on personal appearances and to Korea to entertain at Christmas time. Especially on the latter trip I was prompted to do a lot of thinking; I realize it was good for me. And rugged though it was, I want to return.
One thing I thought about was how many girls are marrying now, especially to GI;s on a love-at-first-sight, short-acquaintanceship basis. I honestly think this is wrong, if one wants a lasting marriage. Don't say I'm being unfair to the boys going to war. I'm thinking of them as well as the girls. Divorce is tough on both people concerned. And a recent ten year survey of divorce showed that in many more than half of all divorces the couples had been in a hurry to marry. Most of them had been very young and had not known each other long enough or well enough. So they divorced. I don't want that.
I don't believe in love-at-first-sight. I think it's just infatuation. Of course, real love can grow out of this, but to me, it takes time. Somewhere, I read recently, "In lasting marriages people don't fall in love, they grow in love," I think that is sound.
And for growing in love I think a girl needs a basis for comparison. That's why I don't believe girls should tie themselves down by going steady too young. How do you know what other boys are like? Actually, it isn't fair to the boy either.
I had my first date when I was fifteen. My parents had met the boy and approved of him. [I think that's always a must] He invited me to an early movie and I had permission to go. He came to pick me up in a taxi [The taxi isn't necessary, but I do believe a boy should always call for his date, come inside and greet her parents, not whistle out at the curb!] I was shy and scared to death that I wouldn't talk about things that interested him, that I wouldn't be a "bright" date. I couldn't relax. I hardly said a word. I was convinced I was a complete droop. All that was wrong was that I was so young!
Even later, I was afraid of just being myself. I thought that a supposedly sophisticated look and conversation could take the place of honest opinion. I guess all girls go through that and eventually grow up. Fortunately for me I did have dates and went out with lots of boys. I never tied myself down to "going steady'.
I feel I should give my mother credit for teaching me that it isn't the money a boy spends on a date that is important, but what he is. And that it's never smart to go out on a date just for the sake of going out. I don't even now. Why be bored when you could stay home and read a good book or play records. Personally, I like to paint. I wish I had more time for it but now work at the studio takes so much time and I'm a girl who needs her sleep.
I haven't given much thought to the type of man I want to marry except that in addition to our having many things in common I know I want him to be a really honest person. Most other things are quite superficial. I remember when Sherrye and I were growing up we hated our red hair, hated boys with red hair and always said we'd never marry a man with red hair. So she married a red head, a wonderful young doctor! Right now I seem to prefer men with dark hair who are about six feet tall, but I know that physical characteristics and whether he's a good dancer or the life of the party are really not important in choosing a life-time partner.
I keep reminding myself because I alwasy want to remember that I must know the man I marry well and a long time. I want a real courtship, long enough so that there is no doubt in my mind, or in his.
The greater the difference n intelligence, in education, in religious, racial and cultural backgrounds, the more adjustments have to be made. An the more alike two people are, the easier it is. The attraction of opposites - real opposites, not just in coloring of hair and eyes - is romantic in the movies but not often practical!
As I said, I like to paint and I like to go to art exhibits. I love evenings at home with good music. I'm becoming interested in photography. I like horseback riding. I like to travel. I'd want my husband to enjoy at least some of these things, or be willing to learn, just as I expect to learn to enjoy things he likes.
I have no set ideas on whether I'd like the man I marry to be an actor or associated with motion pictures. If he were, he would understand the problems of an actress, of her odd hours, emotional exhaustion after a hard day, of false rumors in newspapers, of demands made on her energy and times just because she is an actress. On the other hand, direct competition sometimes makes it hard for an actor and actress to stay happy.
A man outside our industry, say an accountant or doctor, might find it difficult to understand how much her work really means to an actress. I feel that being married, having a home and children would be wonderful, but I can't think I could give up my career suddenly. I'd like to try both, at least for a while. But here again is another good reason for taking enough time before marrying; if the courtship is long enough, the man would come to understand my problems and ambitions even if he's in another business.
I've gone with some very nice actors. Before he went into the Army, Vic Damone and I went out for about six months, on an on-and-off basis and had lots of fun although we knew we weren't serious. I had dates with Tony Curtis a few times before he started beauing Janet Leigh. Sometimes now I have dates with Rock Hudson and Scott Brady. but I also go out with non-actors, friends of my brother-in-law. You see, I want a basis of comparison. So far I don't think I've met the right man, but who knows? I may have met. We may grow in love. Certainly I don't know!
I think all girls contemplating marriage should know something about being home-makers. I don't think men have patience any more with a girl who can't keep house or cook. On this score I believe I'm prepared. When I was eight and Sherrye was ten, Mother was very ill and for almost a year we ran the house. After school one would shop while the other went directly home and cleaned and did the other chores. We both cooked. Now we're both quite good cooks and we both know how to run a household. What's more, I like it. I'm glad I do!
One thing I know I wouldn't do. That's what the girl I portrayed in No Room For the Groom did - marry a GI whom she had known only a short time, when he had only a three day pass. [Tony Curtis plays the boy and this in o reflection on Tony or the character he portrays!] Three days' honeymoon before a boy is shipped away is not sufficeint time for a couple who are almost strangers to become acquainted, to build a basis for a lasting marriage. It doesn't make for enough memories or feeling of one-ness to sustain them through a long separation. It makes for an amusing comedy in the movies, but I want more that that!
That's how I feel about marriage. When I come out with the right answers for both myself and my prospective husband, then I'll be ready.